What's My Cause?

I have always admired people who are passionate for a cause.  Especially those who have found one that has affected them personally.  A childhood friend, whom I've reconnected with through work, has started and runs her own foundation.  Her son continues to battle childhood cancer, and her fervor for better research for childhood cancer cures is astounding.  (Check out www.bradenshope.org if interested in learning more.)  A former day care provider for my children has always been a huge supporter of the Juvenile Diabetes cause.  She is very close to someone who is affected by this.  I remember as a young girl, walking with my mom door-to-door delivering collection envelopes for the March of Dimes.  I remember Mom telling me, "Paula, you can't support every charity that comes along asking for donations.  Find one or two that are important to you, and concentrate on those."

I feel very fortunate that myself and my family have been relatively healthy.  We have been lucky, I guess, in that there hasn't been a clear front-running cause to capture my passion.  Our family hasn't been directly touched by cancer, diabetes, heart disease, or birth defects.  So, I've asked myself, "What cause can I get behind?  What really matters in my family's day-to-day life?"  The answer has been there for quite awhile.  I just wasn't ready to admit it ... to embrace it.  I kept telling myself, "Yeah, but that's not life-threatening."  Or, "What will people think?"  Or, "Will this be embarrassing for my loved ones?"

Well, I'm done with excuses!  I HAVE found my cause, and I WILL be passionate about it!
 

DEPRESSION!

Did you know that in my immediate family of six, half of us suffer with depression?  That's right!  Three of the six of us have been diagnosed with some sort of depression.  Dan, Maria, and Kyle.  Did you know that depression runs in families?  Dan's mother, Darlene, had horrible spells of depression long before it was a recognized form of mental illness.  She told me once that she had almost a full year of her adult life that she doesn't remember at all because she was so deep in the throes of depression.

3 of 6 deal with depression in our family

Depression is so misunderstood!  Even after so many years of living with people with depression, there are some days when I'm tempted to say, "Can't you just try to be happy?"  Or, "Think positive!  Your life is going well!"  I constantly have to remind myself that their brains are working differently than mine.  

Treatments for depression are very frustrating.  Medications may work for some people, but not others.  Even if you find a medication that helps, there are side effects to deal with or over time it stops being as effective.  Therapy has been somewhat helpful for Kyle, but ineffective for Maria and Dan.  More than anything, the stigma of depression can be the worst.  How do you tell people that you have depression?  How are you going to react to their reaction?  It can be nerve-wracking and exhausting.  

So now that I have a cause, what am I going to do?  Well, today, I started by looking up some organizations that support people with depression and research about or treatments for depression.  Here's what I learned today.  There are lots of organizations out there for the support of mental health issues!

http://www.familyaware.org/

http://www.freedomfromfear.org/index.html

http://www.nami.org/

I'm not ready to start donating any money today.  (If you know me, I do a lot of research before I send my money anywhere!)  But I am ready to educate myself, and I can encourage you to do the same.  

And one more thing before I sign off -- I mentioned something earlier in the blog post about my cause not being life-threatening.  Well, that's WRONG!  There is a clear link between depression and suicide.  (Dan and I had one very scary night with Kyle many years ago.  Perhaps that will be the subject of a future blog post.)  

So for now, I hope I can share my passion with you.  Learn about depression.  Be compassionate to your friends who suffer from this form of mental illness.  Be patient and be present in their lives.  It does help!

Cheers,

Paula

 

Kyle Daniel

... But I Love Him Just The Same Different

Today is Kyle's 21st birthday.  Honestly, there were times I wasn't sure he would even make it to this milestone.  But he did!  Happy Birthday, Kyle!  

"From the moment we brought him home from the hospital, Kyle has always taken more of our parenting energy than any of our girls."  I've said this many times (and I'm sure Kyle would readily agree).  Then, I usually follow this statement with some of Kyle's antics or escapades.  And finally, I end it with, "But I love him just the same!"  Well, today I got to thinking about that phrase.  It's kind of a way of saying, "Even though you may be difficult, or you made a mistake, or I'm so frustrated with you, I still love you unconditionally."  And that's all true!  But, as a mother of 4 kids, sometimes I  worried about favoritism.  Does Kyle know that I really do "love him just the same"?  Do the girls know that even though we have given so much of our attention and time to Kyle, that we "love them just the same"?  

And then it hit me ... I DON'T love them all just the same!  I love them all just the DIFFERENT.  

Kyle was a colicky baby.  He cried almost nonstop for the first 4 or 5 months.  Especially in the evening when Dan was home from work.  It didn't mean we loved him any less.  We just had to love him differently.  We had to figure out how to hold him differently, how to comfort him differently.

Kyle was diagnosed with ADHD while in Kindergarten.  To be honest, this diagnosis dominated the rest of his schooling up through his dropping out of college.  I remember so many doctors visits, 504 plan meetings, and talks with teachers about preferential seating and what-not.  At times it was exhausting and exasperating.  But we learned different things to do to help Kyle.  I fondly remember when we learned that "deep pressure" could help keep Kyle focused and calm.  His two older sisters, Maria and Leslie, would often sit on the couch with Kyle in between them and make a "Kyle sandwich".  It was a way to "love him just the different"!

In middle school, we learned that Kyle was suffering with depression.  It wasn't much of a surprise.  It runs in Dan's family.  Still, it was another hurdle that Kyle was to face, and like ADHD it will be something he deals with for the rest of his life.  We had to find ways to balance his time.  We had to show him that we valued his unstructured time as much as his structured (school and extracurricular) time.  Once again, we had to find a way to "love him just the different".

At the beginning of high school, Kyle took us on the long and wild ride of drugs, inhalants, addiction, teen rehab, and the juvenile court system.  And when I said earlier that I didn't know if he would make it to his 21st birthday, I wasn't exaggerating or joking!  As a mother, the darkest of days happened in a court room on a cold winter day, when we found out that he would spend 2 years (later reduced to 16 months for good behavior) in a juvenile detention center located over an hour away from our home.  I had to learn ways to "love him just the different".

And now, Kyle is on the cusp of living life independently.  He moved out of our house in July and has fiercely taken on the idea of "making it" on his own.  He has been working in a variety of labor type jobs by working for a labor temp agency.  And he has thrived in this environment!  He learns quickly and impresses his supervisors.  I think he actually enjoys the way this work has tested his limits physically and mentally.  I am extremely proud of him!

A mother's love for her children is an interesting thing.  Most any mother will tell you that they don't love one child more than the other.  One thing that I do know is that I love all of my children unconditionally!  But I have learned something about that.  I don't love each of my children in the same way.  They each get a different unconditional love because of who they are, and they are all unique!

Happy 21st Birthday, Kyle!  I love you like only a mother can!